My final review. My first apple.
to this day i can recall the taste of my first apple, this red grandmama, from the day i turned 13. My childhood up until then had been polio, poverty, and potatoes, and i had never been able to afford apples like the other boys had. my mouth would water just from seeing them with their golden treats on the playground and i would dream of one day finding myself with one. Finally, when my stepfather gave me 13 dimes for my 13th birthday, my fantisizing paid off, i knew just where to go!
“Smell ya later, old man!”, I yelled, grabbing my hat and running to the river market where the one-eyed apple salesman handed me my first apple (for a whopping $1.20!).
i took the first bite of what would one day propel me to stardom.
as i walked home that day i was followed by thirteen crows, a band of thieves, a stray tabby, and a magical key.
—-
Now I stand on the conveyor of my twentieth year, living in a different country, speaking a foreign language, breathing air of mountains, not of seas, with my pockets now full from years of highly-rated and financially rewarding apple reviewing, and the same apple that i first ate all those years ago sitting at my windowsill.
i wonder: will the apple taste as sweet as i remember it (sweet as eggs, juicy as her teeth) or will the jaws of nostalgia (literally, from Greek, a pain from homecoming) clamp tightly around me (as the bars of Folsom have)? will i emerge in renaissance, in conquering, waving, impossible halcyonic victory over my own ephemerality, or fade into obscurity forever (as “Snow White and the Huntsman” surely will)? Frankly, I couldn’t care less, I’m just a video man.
—
Picking up the ancient apple, long re-formed, the same in my grip as before, and biting into it
remembrance reveals the swan’s art
from our roles and roles, rolls…
version/ghost answer (the veil)
silencing a remaining version
over!included nothes dances
“satan state”
“girl kings”
wild cantos, lo author’s whatnot
dead project. sad project.
so remember, golden scene:
family barber magic
the folks who sent you letters
beckoning for investigation
trick yourself, taking wild by appointment
and become just water
in a stream moving forward
with nothing in the wayyyyy
“yes”
living performance: aberrations,
but sweet (the key: forgetting.)
put all your old skins on a shelf
like locust husks, love them
don’t look i’m changing!
collect, go on
keep on collecting, keep on dancing
higher ground pound
the jingle plays-
instantly recalling the elation you felt the first time you did your trick.
Onward, apple lovers!
—-
-The End-
Yes, the rumors are true, there will one last apple review after this update, and so we all got together to celebrate the countless and doubtless accolades and awards our now 12 YEARS of professional apple reviews have gotten us.
Unfortunately, as the world moves faster and faster toward the cloaked hell-hole, burning and spitting in dirty dishwashers and fucked soaps, gurgling with airplane-filled mouths trying to speak without grasps on the language, the need for an apple-reviewing blog is diminishing… With that thought weighing down our collective consciousness, the whole network gathered in <Evan’s kitchen> for some of his special, pure, triple-trouble sparkling apple cider…
We clacked our cups together, toasting “to the network!” and drank, drank, drank…
Tears were shed, dogs were fed,
on earth as they will be in heaven
speaking of heaven i hope this blog goes to heaven once it dies AFTER THE NEXT REVIEW. unlike dogs, not all apple review sites do… will this tumblr be punished eternally? this reviewer pleads “no, please!”
—-
SAD CIDER: D+, no flavour cause i got minor oral surgery today.
Onward, apple lovers!
If I had to pick one thing I missed from before ma passed, well, besides ma course, it would be her apple pies.
Well, I got no doubt by now ya know how much I love apples, all kindsa apples, but her apple pies were so juicy, so fulla flavors: cinnamon and sugar, and the crust was always so wonderful, Lucy’s just never quite matches, course I wouldn’t teller that, well,
anyways the other day I was drivin through the old town, Sage, and anyways I thought about it a lot of times before, to stop and ask for an apple pie at the old Apple Market in town. Well, this time I did, you know, and I got the freshest one they had they told me.
So, to review it it was like nothing else, I ate it and had one of those old sodas I used to get and well I felt like I remembered such great times, like the flood of memories and tastes were all mixt together in my mouth and i tried to write down what i remembered, I had to take off my mask to find my pen and boy was I sweaty under that thing!
Onward, apple lovers!
i only eat apples that fall naturally from the tree, they mustn’t be plucked
(via thereluctantrawfoodist)
Being a fruit plate of green, red apples, and grapes with caramel to dip.
The caramel was even good on the grapes, but this is apple review network (although if anyone wants to make a grape review network that would be really cute an sweet as sugar).
Hey but so the apples were really good Madeleine and John like green apples but they’re too sour for me and I just like the red ones. Together we licked the platter clean!
Later on John had to throw out the plate with caramel still left, what a shame waste not want not the caramel fell like the sun, like the roman empire, and most of all like Adam and eve.
I wonder if Adam and eve were like caramel dip at all or not?! Maybe, but this humble reviewer will never know but one day I might know and so will you! :D
“The heaven is the reward for living through the hell” - anonymous
Onward, apple lovers!
[video]
yo this apple ain’t no poser it was skating and worshipping when i found it!
that being said, it was (as many are at its age) not quite ripe enough.
it showed some promise, though, just not sweet enough, not meaty enough, consistency of a potato, not enough juice.
i hope i can eat this apple again once it grows up a bit and has a little more substance to its idealism.
Onward, apple lovers!
Well today I get the special privilege of reviewing a delectable treat from McDonalds!
They sure have come a long way! Why, with their new Blueberry Banana Nut Oatmeal Breakfast Option, the delicious Cherry Berry Chillers, and more delicious, healthy alternatives they’ve cranked up the value of their meals for a more eco-conscious world today and a healthier generation tomorrow!
Today, I’ll be reviewing their classic Apple Dippers! Well, actually just the Apple Slices, the caramel dip is gone the way of the dinos!
The slices came in their own wraps (shown above), easily opened, not those “hard to open” packs that people hold signs about. Popping them in my mouth, they taste like they’ve had all their natural flavors washed away with water or something…
When I bite down that all changes: a sourness takes me over, spikin all around my mouth WOOHOO I LOVE THIS TASTE ONLY 15 CALORIES WHAT THE OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE I’VE DONE SOMETHING REALLY GREAT THIS TIME I’M LIVING ON THE MOON AND IT TURNS OUT I CAN BREATH WITHOUT AIR FOR A MOMENT, PASSIN OUT PAMPHLETS ON THE CORNER!
“won’t my momma be so proud of me-e”
-Ernest Mandel
Design your own meal today to see Nutrition Facts, Pricing, and More at mcdonalds.com!
Onward, apple dippers!
The storm came on garbage day. It was a huge storm! leaving the whole of our town in ruins of limbs and wet trash. The weight of putting it all in place again seemed enormous and fruitless.
I walked throughout the town’s shops like I normally do, passing all the regular people, with the Sun’s rays seeming only to remind me of how unprotected the people and things I need and love are. The Sun was zapping my power and giving it all to Superman.
A young boy, covered in cuts came up to me, selling apples. “4.50 each”, he said. “Nonsense, I’m a reviewer.”
What I took from him was the green apple pictured in the moving and artistic photo above.
The apple’s skin was dirty (as was mine and all the townsmens), but biting into it washed the sandy bits from between my teeth, freeing me to feel some of the sterile comforts I knew before the floods.
—
Not particularly sweet though, C+
Onward, apple lovers!
Whew, it sure is late… long day…
That’s one of the great things about apples, though; since they never animate (except to fall (Newt., 99)), their rest is eternal.
Thus, I easily out-maneuvered and took teeth to this apple, catching it in an endless instant of slumber. After my first two bites I noticed something strange about the textures rubbing between my teeth-rocks, videlicet a typewriter moving clear white lines across my eyes, with visual hallucinations of swirls and bloom, then sounds, beautiful familiarity - video game chirps and violinia!
So tired, I’ll have to use my muse to review this app.:
Chew, chew, what are you?
Lick, lick, why so slick!?
It turned out the dern’d thing been made of wax! What a sadness…
Onward, apple-lovers!