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My final review. My first apple. to this day i can recall the...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 07:58:00 -0400

My final review. My first apple.

to this day i can recall the taste of my first apple, this red grandmama, from the day i turned 13. My childhood up until then had been polio, poverty, and potatoes, and i had never been able to afford apples like the other boys had. my mouth would water just from seeing them with their golden treats on the playground and i would dream of one day finding myself with one. Finally, when my stepfather gave me 13 dimes for my 13th birthday, my fantisizing paid off, i knew just where to go!

“Smell ya later, old man!”, I yelled, grabbing my hat and running to the river market where the one-eyed apple salesman handed me my first apple (for a whopping $1.20!).

i took the first bite of what would one day propel me to stardom.

as i walked home that day i was followed by thirteen crows, a band of thieves, a stray tabby, and a magical key.

—-

Now I stand on the conveyor of my twentieth year, living in a different country, speaking a foreign language, breathing air of mountains, not of seas, with my pockets now full from years of highly-rated and financially rewarding apple reviewing, and the same apple that i first ate all those years ago sitting at my windowsill.

i wonder: will the apple taste as sweet as i remember it (sweet as eggs, juicy as her teeth) or will the jaws of nostalgia (literally, from Greek, a pain from homecoming) clamp tightly around me (as the bars of Folsom have)? will i emerge in renaissance, in conquering, waving, impossible halcyonic victory over my own ephemerality, or fade into obscurity forever (as “Snow White and the Huntsman” surely will)? Frankly, I couldn’t care less, I’m just a video man.

—

Picking up the ancient apple, long re-formed, the same in my grip as before, and biting into it

remembrance reveals the swan’s art

from our roles and roles, rolls…

version/ghost answer (the veil)

silencing a remaining version

over!included nothes dances

“satan state”

“girl kings”

wild cantos, lo author’s whatnot

dead project. sad project.

so remember, golden scene:

family barber magic

the folks who sent you letters

beckoning for investigation

trick yourself, taking wild by appointment

and become just water

in a stream moving forward

with nothing in the wayyyyy

“yes”

living performance: aberrations,

but sweet (the key: forgetting.)

put all your old skins on a shelf

like locust husks, love them

don’t look i’m changing!

collect, go on

keep on collecting, keep on dancing

higher ground pound

the jingle plays-

instantly recalling the elation you felt the first time you did your trick.

Onward, apple lovers!

—-

-The End-

Yes, the rumors are true, there will one last apple review after...

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 21:14:00 -0400

Yes, the rumors are true, there will one last apple review after this update, and so we all got together to celebrate the countless and doubtless accolades and awards our now 12 YEARS of professional apple reviews have gotten us.

Unfortunately, as the world moves faster and faster toward the cloaked hell-hole, burning and spitting in dirty dishwashers and fucked soaps, gurgling with airplane-filled mouths trying to speak without grasps on the language, the need for an apple-reviewing blog is diminishing… With that thought weighing down our collective consciousness, the whole network gathered in for some of his special, pure, triple-trouble sparkling apple cider…

We clacked our cups together, toasting “to the network!” and drank, drank, drank…

Tears were shed, dogs were fed,

on earth as they will be in heaven

speaking of heaven i hope this blog goes to heaven once it dies AFTER THE NEXT REVIEW. unlike dogs, not all apple review sites do… will this tumblr be punished eternally? this reviewer pleads “no, please!”

—-

SAD CIDER: D+, no flavour cause i got minor oral surgery today.

Onward, apple lovers!

If I had to pick one thing I missed from before ma passed, well,...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 22:22:12 -0400

If I had to pick one thing I missed from before ma passed, well, besides ma course, it would be her apple pies.

Well, I got no doubt by now ya know how much I love apples, all kindsa apples, but her apple pies were so juicy, so fulla flavors: cinnamon and sugar, and the crust was always so wonderful, Lucy’s just never quite matches, course I wouldn’t teller that, well,

anyways the other day I was drivin through the old town, Sage, and anyways I thought about it a lot of times before, to stop and ask for an apple pie at the old Apple Market in town. Well, this time I did, you know, and I got the freshest one they had they told me.

So, to review it it was like nothing else, I ate it and had one of those old sodas I used to get and well I felt like I remembered such great times, like the flood of memories and tastes were all mixt together in my mouth and i tried to write down what i remembered, I had to take off my mask to find my pen and boy was I sweaty under that thing!

Onward, apple lovers!

i only eat apples that fall naturally from the tree, they...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 22:05:09 -0400

i only eat apples that fall naturally from the tree, they mustn’t be plucked

Being a fruit plate of green, red apples, and grapes with...

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 01:01:35 -0400

Being a fruit plate of green, red apples, and grapes with caramel to dip.

The caramel was even good on the grapes, but this is apple review network (although if anyone wants to make a grape review network that would be really cute an sweet as sugar).

Hey but so the apples were really good Madeleine and John like green apples but they’re too sour for me and I just like the red ones. Together we licked the platter clean!

Later on John had to throw out the plate with caramel still left, what a shame waste not want not the caramel fell like the sun, like the roman empire, and most of all like Adam and eve.

I wonder if Adam and eve were like caramel dip at all or not?! Maybe, but this humble reviewer will never know but one day I might know and so will you! :D

“The heaven is the reward for living through the hell” - anonymous

Onward, apple lovers!

hidden in apples- an edible rose!

Sat, 26 May 2012 17:27:01 -0400

hidden in apples- an edible rose!

yo this apple ain’t no poser it was skating and...

Sat, 26 May 2012 04:03:00 -0400

yo this apple ain’t no poser it was skating and worshipping when i found it!

that being said, it was (as many are at its age) not quite ripe enough.

it showed some promise, though, just not sweet enough, not meaty enough, consistency of a potato, not enough juice.

i hope i can eat this apple again once it grows up a bit and has a little more substance to its idealism.

Onward, apple lovers!

Well today I get the special privilege of reviewing a delectable...

Wed, 23 May 2012 14:01:00 -0400

Well today I get the special privilege of reviewing a delectable treat from McDonalds!

They sure have come a long way! Why, with their new Blueberry Banana Nut Oatmeal Breakfast Option, the delicious Cherry Berry Chillers, and more delicious, healthy alternatives they’ve cranked up the value of their meals for a more eco-conscious world today and a healthier generation tomorrow!

Today, I’ll be reviewing their classic Apple Dippers! Well, actually just the Apple Slices, the caramel dip is gone the way of the dinos!

The slices came in their own wraps (shown above), easily opened, not those “hard to open” packs that people hold signs about. Popping them in my mouth, they taste like they’ve had all their natural flavors washed away with water or something…

When I bite down that all changes: a sourness takes me over, spikin all around my mouth WOOHOO I LOVE THIS TASTE ONLY 15 CALORIES WHAT THE OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE I’VE DONE SOMETHING REALLY GREAT THIS TIME I’M LIVING ON THE MOON AND IT TURNS OUT I CAN BREATH WITHOUT AIR FOR A MOMENT, PASSIN OUT PAMPHLETS ON THE CORNER!

“won’t my momma be so proud of me-e”

-Ernest Mandel

Design your own meal today to see Nutrition Facts, Pricing, and More at mcdonalds.com!

Onward, apple dippers!

The storm came on garbage day. It was a huge storm! leaving the...

Sat, 19 May 2012 23:17:57 -0400

The storm came on garbage day. It was a huge storm! leaving the whole of our town in ruins of limbs and wet trash. The weight of putting it all in place again seemed enormous and fruitless.

I walked throughout the town’s shops like I normally do, passing all the regular people, with the Sun’s rays seeming only to remind me of how unprotected the people and things I need and love are. The Sun was zapping my power and giving it all to Superman.

A young boy, covered in cuts came up to me, selling apples. “4.50 each”, he said. “Nonsense, I’m a reviewer.”

What I took from him was the green apple pictured in the moving and artistic photo above.

The apple’s skin was dirty (as was mine and all the townsmens), but biting into it washed the sandy bits from between my teeth, freeing me to feel some of the sterile comforts I knew before the floods.

—

Not particularly sweet though, C+

Onward, apple lovers!

Whew, it sure is late… long day… That’s one of...

Mon, 14 May 2012 03:36:00 -0400

Whew, it sure is late… long day…

That’s one of the great things about apples, though; since they never animate (except to fall (Newt., 99)), their rest is eternal.

Thus, I easily out-maneuvered and took teeth to this apple, catching it in an endless instant of slumber. After my first two bites I noticed something strange about the textures rubbing between my teeth-rocks, videlicet a typewriter moving clear white lines across my eyes, with visual hallucinations of swirls and bloom, then sounds, beautiful familiarity - video game chirps and violinia!

So tired, I’ll have to use my muse to review this app.:

Chew, chew, what are you?

Lick, lick, why so slick!?

It turned out the dern’d thing been made of wax! What a sadness…

Onward, apple-lovers!

Sat down next to this apple on a bench this morning and just HAD...

Thu, 03 May 2012 14:58:00 -0400

Sat down next to this apple on a bench this morning and just HAD to try it!

I took my first bite and sat it down again, smiling at it. its flesh tasted sweet and then salty, all at once. A strange mix of flavors; not just a mix, actually…

-an experience!

“I just can’t ever seem to figure you out,” I said, with a coy giggle, an attempt to seem cute. I looked down and fiddled with my ring, avoiding eye contact.

“Why would you want to do that?”

Onward, apple lovers!

"uhoh,"

Tue, 01 May 2012 19:02:19 -0400

“uhoh,”

- he said, and he meant it.

I was reading the autobiography of Mark Twain today but I...

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 20:35:57 -0400

I was reading the autobiography of Mark Twain today but I couldn’t afford it so I went down to the Mississippi and made it up as I went along. I was supposed to “meet and eat” with a mango, but when I got there it was long dead.

I made this mural in its honor, splitting the sky and river in two forever more, adding to the sometimes infernal symmetry of the banks.

Onward, apple lovers!

this dead moth looks like it might have something to do with...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 19:14:00 -0400

this dead moth looks like it might have something to do with apples…

wonder if it enjoyed a good granny crisp every now and then!

Onward, apple lovers!

This was one tasty, ripe fruit! I enjoyed every bite, and after...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 19:20:51 -0400

This was one tasty, ripe fruit! I enjoyed every bite, and after a long day of sickness it was amazing to find it lying around in the garden this morning!

I picked it up and found it to be heavily fixed to the spot in the grass, as if it were a plug. Sure enough, as I picked it up the dirt and grass started to pull through the revealed hole!

At first I was amazed, watching the world fold into itself, but then I became frightened as its speed increased, threatening to pull me into the abyss. I turned around as fast as I can, but found I could only move in some kind of slow-motion!

I felt my only hope was to jump and trip forward to escape the hole for a few more moments. I remember feeling as I fell, slowly down, that this would probably be the end of my life.

Instantly my thoughts fell to a girl I once loved long ago, and I felt as if we were together again and all was perfect, still, and calm.

Onward, apple lovers!

"Absurd! Chip is a cute, delectable treat! Such a memorable fruit, I can still hear him asking,..."

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 23:30:00 -0400

“Absurd! Chip is a cute, delectable treat! Such a memorable fruit, I can still hear him asking, “Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?” He is perfect for any true apple lover’s sensitive palate. Chip is the apple of my eye, and if you give him a chance, he’ll be yours too.”

- A Rival Apple Reviewer, writing me about today’s review of Chip..

—-

Well, let me tell you, sir, you are an imbecile to challenge me, you obviously have no taste for what I call the 5 Fs: Flavour, Freshness, Friendliness, Femininity, and Fleshiness. Chip showed none of the 5!

In fact, I would say that, although not one of the Fs to judge apples by, your response has a dire lack of Facundity!

To bring my self down to a more equitable level, I will go ahead and say that your quoting was nice, and the phrase “apple of my eye” aptly used, but still I won’t be eating that apple again any time soon!

This apple was atrocious! I thought it would be great but it...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:27:36 -0400

This apple was atrocious! I thought it would be great but it just simply was not.

Basically, I picked this apple, named Chip, up at whole foods today and was excited to eat it. After all, I loved the goofy and spritely performance of the apple’s namesake in Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas”. What I found tasted nothing like Mrs. Potts’ lovable son.

This apple sucks and is a ripoff, please don’t waste your money or time.

Onward, apple lovers!

Today apple review network gets the honor to make a huge...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:32:00 -0400

Today apple review network gets the honor to make a huge reveal!

Because of the recent overwhelming success of this blog, Ezra Koenig and the rest of Vampire Weekend have decided to reveal the cover of their new, third studio album, (tentatively titled “My Parents and Harriet”) here today with my help as photographer!

Like always, I will review the apple dutifully:

I grabbed this thin-man delicious grandmagreen apple today at Macalester College, together with Ezra and the boys, and after the photoshoot I ate it with them. They were really nice guys and we’re just always talking on about music! What fun!

This apple was kind of cool at first, definitely refreshing, but in a way it just didn’t stick to any one thing hard enough to leave a lasting impression. It wasn’t sour enough, or sugary enough to be that much of a revelation. It seemed like this apple was just something in the shape of an apple, but not watery or delicious enough to be the real deal. There’s always more apples, though!

So another big thanks to the guys of VAMPIRE WEEKEND! You can download their first two albums on amazon music, itunes, and on their myspace website today!

Onward, apple lovers!

After a weekend of crisis, I woke up today angry at my position...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 21:29:00 -0400

After a weekend of crisis, I woke up today angry at my position as head reviewer here at ARN, and so when I went to dinner and looked at the apple selection I was thrown into a thrashing rage at even the thought of eating ANOTHER apple.

With a frightened sadness hung heavy as a cloth over my eyes I grabbed a pear and held it tight against my breast.

My hope lay in this pear, if I can become so famous for my apple reviews, surely I can do it with pears. I had to prove to myself I could do this.

Tentatively, I take a bite, and find the pear harder than it should be. Chewing, I realize it tastes really awful and not at all good and throw it away immediately.

I remember now why I originally loved apples, etc.

Onward, apple lovers!

This scarred sunburnt apple appeared at first like it was...

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 15:25:48 -0400

This scarred sunburnt apple appeared at first like it was “damaged goods”, covered outwardly by the stains and abuses of its troubled youth, so I was apprehensive in picking it up today at brunch.

After the first bite all my fears dissipated as the apple embraced my tongue, so mushy and caring. The insides looked like mashed potatoes, but tasted like apples all the same.

I guess this just finally proves the age old saying that “you can’t judge an apple by its appearance”, but brings me to a further, more pressing question: what can you judge apples by, if not their outer appearance?

Why, by taste, of course!

Onward, apple-lovers!