My final review. My first apple.

to this day i can recall the taste of my first apple, this red grandmama, from the day i turned 13. My childhood up until then had been polio, poverty, and potatoes, and i had never been able to afford apples like the other boys had. my mouth would water just from seeing them with their golden treats on the playground and i would dream of one day finding myself with one. Finally, when my stepfather gave me 13 dimes for my 13th birthday, my fantisizing paid off, i knew just where to go!

“Smell ya later, old man!”, I yelled, grabbing my hat and running to the river market where the one-eyed apple salesman handed me my first apple (for a whopping $1.20!).

i took the first bite of what would one day propel me to stardom.

as i walked home that day i was followed by thirteen crows, a band of thieves, a stray tabby, and a magical key.

—-

Now I stand on the conveyor of my twentieth year, living in a different country, speaking a foreign language, breathing air of mountains, not of seas, with my pockets now full from years of highly-rated and financially rewarding apple reviewing, and the same apple that i first ate all those years ago sitting at my windowsill.

i wonder: will the apple taste as sweet as i remember it (sweet as eggs, juicy as her teeth) or will the jaws of nostalgia (literally, from Greek, a pain from homecoming) clamp tightly around me (as the bars of Folsom have)? will i emerge in renaissance, in conquering, waving, impossible halcyonic victory over my own ephemerality, or fade into obscurity forever (as “Snow White and the Huntsman” surely will)? Frankly, I couldn’t care less, I’m just a video man.

—

Picking up the ancient apple, long re-formed, the same in my grip as before, and biting into it

remembrance reveals the swan’s art

from our roles and roles, rolls…

version/ghost answer (the veil)

silencing a remaining version 

over!included nothes dances

“satan state”

“girl kings” 

wild cantos, lo author’s whatnot 

dead project. sad project.

so remember, golden scene: 

family barber magic

the folks who sent you letters 

beckoning for investigation 

trick yourself, taking wild by appointment

and become just water

in a stream moving forward

with nothing in the wayyyyy

“yes”

living performance: aberrations, 

but sweet (the key: forgetting.)

put all your old skins on a shelf

like locust husks, love them

don’t look i’m changing!

collect, go on

keep on collecting, keep on dancing

higher ground pound

the jingle plays- 

instantly recalling the elation you felt the first time you did your trick.

Onward, apple lovers!

—-

-The End-

Yes, the rumors are true, there will one last apple review after this update, and so we all got together to celebrate the countless and doubtless accolades and awards our now 12 YEARS of professional apple reviews have gotten us.

Unfortunately, as the world moves faster and faster toward the cloaked hell-hole, burning and spitting in dirty dishwashers and fucked soaps, gurgling with airplane-filled mouths trying to speak without grasps on the language, the need for an apple-reviewing blog is diminishing… With that thought weighing down our collective consciousness, the whole network gathered in <Evan’s kitchen> for some of his special, pure, triple-trouble sparkling apple cider…

We clacked our cups together, toasting “to the network!” and drank, drank, drank…

Tears were shed, dogs were fed,

on earth as they will be in heaven

speaking of heaven i hope this blog goes to heaven once it dies AFTER THE NEXT REVIEW. unlike dogs, not all apple review sites do… will this tumblr be punished eternally? this reviewer pleads “no, please!”

—-

SAD CIDER: D+, no flavour cause i got minor oral surgery today.

Onward, apple lovers!

Sat down next to this apple on a bench this morning and just HAD to try it!

I took my first bite and sat it down again, smiling at it. its flesh tasted sweet and then salty, all at once. A strange mix of flavors; not just a mix, actually…

-an experience!

“I just can’t ever seem to figure you out,” I said, with a coy giggle, an attempt to seem cute. I looked down and fiddled with my ring, avoiding eye contact.

“Why would you want to do that?”

Onward, apple lovers!

this dead moth looks like it might have something to do with apples…

wonder if it enjoyed a good granny crisp every now and then!

Onward, apple lovers!

This was one tasty, ripe fruit! I enjoyed every bite, and after a long day of sickness it was amazing to find it lying around in the garden this morning!

I picked it up and found it to be heavily fixed to the spot in the grass, as if it were a plug. Sure enough, as I picked it up the dirt and grass started to pull through the revealed hole!

At first I was amazed, watching the world fold into itself, but then I became frightened as its speed increased, threatening to pull me into the abyss. I turned around as fast as I can, but found I could only move in some kind of slow-motion!

I felt my only hope was to jump and trip forward to escape the hole for a few more moments. I remember feeling as I fell, slowly down, that this would probably be the end of my life.

Instantly my thoughts fell to a girl I once loved long ago, and I felt as if we were together again and all was perfect, still, and calm.

Onward, apple lovers!

After a weekend of crisis, I woke up today angry at my position as head reviewer here at ARN, and so when I went to dinner and looked at the apple selection I was thrown into a thrashing rage at even the thought of eating ANOTHER apple.

With a frightened sadness hung heavy as a cloth over my eyes I grabbed a pear and held it tight against my breast.

My hope lay in this pear, if I can become so famous for my apple reviews, surely I can do it with pears. I had to prove to myself I could do this.

Tentatively, I take a bite, and find the pear harder than it should be. Chewing, I realize it tastes really awful and not at all good and throw it away immediately.

I remember now why I originally loved apples, etc.

Onward, apple lovers!

So once again from Cafe Mac, I receive a speckled green rhombus.

As one of my childhood favorites, the sour power alone should be enough nostalgic packing to soothe my wandering mind, but will this apple-stand pass the test of time??

As I take my first bites instead of being reminded of my childhood I’m reminded of all the apples around the world. Their childhoods are unimaginable to me, as a human boy.

Further, I recall Jessie, my family’s Pepper Collie, a fixture of life on the farms…

Snagged this precious pepper pearapple with the red one, it was covered in the cutest spots!!

When I ate it I was struggling for adjectives, but I realized, I was a bee and I served this apple, not the other way around. The apple was using me to spread its seed.

It was a little like honey, but also like pears. An infinity of flavor!

Later I threw the apple core to some squirrels and reflected on my limited ability to create my personal narrative by denying narratives that could be told about apples.

Well, no more of that!

Scored this gem, a “red pop devilicious” in Cafe Mac at Macalester College tonight at dinner.

Taste was crispy and good, a little sour, but by no means “too sour”, the inside was white and plenty juicy heheh

After I ate it I felt so good!