My final review. My first apple.

to this day i can recall the taste of my first apple, this red grandmama, from the day i turned 13. My childhood up until then had been polio, poverty, and potatoes, and i had never been able to afford apples like the other boys had. my mouth would water just from seeing them with their golden treats on the playground and i would dream of one day finding myself with one. Finally, when my stepfather gave me 13 dimes for my 13th birthday, my fantisizing paid off, i knew just where to go!

“Smell ya later, old man!”, I yelled, grabbing my hat and running to the river market where the one-eyed apple salesman handed me my first apple (for a whopping $1.20!).

i took the first bite of what would one day propel me to stardom.

as i walked home that day i was followed by thirteen crows, a band of thieves, a stray tabby, and a magical key.

—-

Now I stand on the conveyor of my twentieth year, living in a different country, speaking a foreign language, breathing air of mountains, not of seas, with my pockets now full from years of highly-rated and financially rewarding apple reviewing, and the same apple that i first ate all those years ago sitting at my windowsill.

i wonder: will the apple taste as sweet as i remember it (sweet as eggs, juicy as her teeth) or will the jaws of nostalgia (literally, from Greek, a pain from homecoming) clamp tightly around me (as the bars of Folsom have)? will i emerge in renaissance, in conquering, waving, impossible halcyonic victory over my own ephemerality, or fade into obscurity forever (as “Snow White and the Huntsman” surely will)? Frankly, I couldn’t care less, I’m just a video man.

—

Picking up the ancient apple, long re-formed, the same in my grip as before, and biting into it

remembrance reveals the swan’s art

from our roles and roles, rolls…

version/ghost answer (the veil)

silencing a remaining version 

over!included nothes dances

“satan state”

“girl kings” 

wild cantos, lo author’s whatnot 

dead project. sad project.

so remember, golden scene: 

family barber magic

the folks who sent you letters 

beckoning for investigation 

trick yourself, taking wild by appointment

and become just water

in a stream moving forward

with nothing in the wayyyyy

“yes”

living performance: aberrations, 

but sweet (the key: forgetting.)

put all your old skins on a shelf

like locust husks, love them

don’t look i’m changing!

collect, go on

keep on collecting, keep on dancing

higher ground pound

the jingle plays- 

instantly recalling the elation you felt the first time you did your trick.

Onward, apple lovers!

—-

-The End-

Yes, the rumors are true, there will one last apple review after this update, and so we all got together to celebrate the countless and doubtless accolades and awards our now 12 YEARS of professional apple reviews have gotten us.

Unfortunately, as the world moves faster and faster toward the cloaked hell-hole, burning and spitting in dirty dishwashers and fucked soaps, gurgling with airplane-filled mouths trying to speak without grasps on the language, the need for an apple-reviewing blog is diminishing… With that thought weighing down our collective consciousness, the whole network gathered in <Evan’s kitchen> for some of his special, pure, triple-trouble sparkling apple cider…

We clacked our cups together, toasting “to the network!” and drank, drank, drank…

Tears were shed, dogs were fed,

on earth as they will be in heaven

speaking of heaven i hope this blog goes to heaven once it dies AFTER THE NEXT REVIEW. unlike dogs, not all apple review sites do… will this tumblr be punished eternally? this reviewer pleads “no, please!”

—-

SAD CIDER: D+, no flavour cause i got minor oral surgery today.

Onward, apple lovers!

This apple was atrocious! I thought it would be great but it just simply was not.

Basically, I picked this apple, named Chip, up at whole foods today and was excited to eat it. After all, I loved the goofy and spritely performance of the apple’s namesake in Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas”. What I found tasted nothing like Mrs. Potts’ lovable son.

This apple sucks and is a ripoff, please don’t waste your money or time.

Onward, apple lovers!

After a weekend of crisis, I woke up today angry at my position as head reviewer here at ARN, and so when I went to dinner and looked at the apple selection I was thrown into a thrashing rage at even the thought of eating ANOTHER apple.

With a frightened sadness hung heavy as a cloth over my eyes I grabbed a pear and held it tight against my breast.

My hope lay in this pear, if I can become so famous for my apple reviews, surely I can do it with pears. I had to prove to myself I could do this.

Tentatively, I take a bite, and find the pear harder than it should be. Chewing, I realize it tastes really awful and not at all good and throw it away immediately.

I remember now why I originally loved apples, etc.

Onward, apple lovers!

So once again from Cafe Mac, I receive a speckled green rhombus.

As one of my childhood favorites, the sour power alone should be enough nostalgic packing to soothe my wandering mind, but will this apple-stand pass the test of time??

As I take my first bites instead of being reminded of my childhood I’m reminded of all the apples around the world. Their childhoods are unimaginable to me, as a human boy.

Further, I recall Jessie, my family’s Pepper Collie, a fixture of life on the farms…